The productivity habits of Benjamin Franklin have been cited in recent articles on the Web, exposing “The 13 Virtues” he strived to achieve on a daily basis – living his life by them as much as humanly possible (which was slightly impossible due to him being a robot, but that’s another story) and tracking them as such. That’s fine – if you’re a robot.
Chances are, most of you reading this are not robots. For those of you that are…no offense intended, but you may want to shut off your optic sensors for this particular lesson in following the EffTD™ formula. No peeking. Or clicking on “read more”, as the case may be.
When you’re Effing The Dog™, virtues are not at the top of the prioirity list. The Collins’ Canadian Dictionary defines a virtue as “moral goodness, eh?” – and frankly, you cannot properly be EffTDing™ if you are “moral” and “good” on an ongoing basis. The only word out of that definition that would apply to Effing The Dog™ is “Ness” because it would likely mean you are hunting a sea monter in Scotland, and therefore on vacation – doing nothing.
So what is someone is interested in keeping track of a set of rules or guidelines in order to keep themselves Effing The Dog™? Simple. You practice The 13 Excuses of Mike Vardy:
THE 13 EXCUSES OF MIKE VARDY
1. TEMPERATURE
I’ts too cold/too hot; can’t do it now.
2. SHYNESS
I need to feel more comfortable around that person/my environment; I’ll do it once I am
3. BORDER
Sorry, was stuck at the border. Couldn’t make it in time. (Primarily for truckers and delivery persons.)
4. NO SOLUTION
I’m out of contact lens solution; can’t wear my contacts until I get some more. Then I’ll be able to read/write that. (No actual contacts necessary.)
5. BRUTALITY
Someone beat me up. When I recover, I’ll get on it.
6. MINISTRY
I have some real soul-searching before I do that; it’s against my religion, after all. (Again, no beliefs required.)
7. PARITY
Why should I/do I have to do it? PERSON X is the same rank/status as me. (Then sulk until you have to do it or they give it to someone else.)
8. DISCUSS THIS
Can we talk about it first? (Then ask for instructions/directions countless times until they defer it to another.)
9. REMUNERATION
This will cost you. (Then negotiate until you get paid way more than you should or they find someone cheaper.)
10. SCHINDLER’S LIST
I’m right in the middle of this movie/I’ll get to it right after this movie/I gotta watch this movie first.
11. TRANQUILIZERS
I would’ve done it sooner, but my doctor has me on these…
12. CHASTITY
“I’m on my way, Chastity!” My wife/girlfriend/lover/sister/bookie just called with an emergency.
(Ensure you actually have a phone in your hand before the excuse is delivered. This can’t be stressed enough.)
13. HUMOR
Oh, I thought you were messing with me! You really needed that done?
The 13 Excuses are easier to follow than virtues, and not as rigid. The more comfortable you get at Effing The Dog™, the more creative you can get with these. The key is to remember them and use them on a daily basis.
Go back to Robotland, Benjamin Franklin.
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