Well, I’ve held out as long as I can.
The time has come for me to embrace Potter-monium as the latest film in the series comes to the big screen – well, today. Now that the young folk that originated the characters are old enough to drink a pint of Hogwarts, I will begin to follow their tale.
Here’s what I know and assume of Harry Potter thus far:
1. First Movie: Harry Potter and The Sorcerer/Philosopher Stone Cold Steve Austin
He’s a wizard. Not the kind of wizard in that Fred Savage movie – but a magical wizard. Now, I’m not saying that video gamers don’t have some sort of special powers (their social skills, for one, are of the charts), but I’m saying that these kids can cast spells and stuff. Harry was born to a wizard mother and a wizard father, but had to go to school to bring out the wizard in him. But before he got the call to hone his craft, he was raised by Muggles. I can only assume that these are evil Fraggles. He escaped from these creatures, thanks to some creature that looked like a really short Regis Philbin and some big guy that looked like Robbie Coltrane, but was actually Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Oh, yeah – he also saw his parents get murdered by some guy named Voldemort who was obsessed with racial purity, so I guess he was probably a skinhead or something.
And he met a girl named Hermoine and a guy named Ronald. They become friends, and eventually age in front of the world on the big screen, with the former becoming quite attractive as the sixth movie rolls into the theatres.
He learned how to play cribbage on a broom and meets a mysterious figure in Severus Snape, who’s name is alliteration at its finest. He confronted Voldemort again and then something happened, but not enough to have it all end in one book.
2. Second Movie: Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
At first I though this was going to involve Harry being locked in a deodorant factory that was strong enough for a man but made for a woman. Hermoine would help him escape.
I was way off.
3. Third Movie: Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Mazatlan
Spring break for Hogwarts! The trio of teen wizards head-down to the coast of Mexico to party it up when they meet the founder of Sirius Satellite Radio who is being held captive there. Hilarity ensues. Fade to black.
4. Fourth movie: Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire
This quest-based installment finds Harry searching for a mysterious goblet. When he finds it, he discovers it can only be lit (ergo, becoming The Goblet of Fire) by The Eternal Flame. After defeating 80’s girl-band The Bangles in a fierce battle of magic versus perms and fishnets, Harry returns to Hogwarts victorious, and is given 1,000 boats for his efforts.
5. Fifth Movie: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
A superhero team-up between Harry Potter and the members of G-Force. No, not the guinea pigs – the real G-Force. In this film, Harry learns the art of “transmuting.”
6. Sixth Movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Artist Formerly Known As Prince
Haven’t seen it yet. For those of you that have, share your accurate and appropriate spoilers below. (For the record, I think it’s about Harry finding out he has a twin brother named Barry, Larry or perhaps Terry.)
Apparently there is going to be a seventh film, since there are seven books. I’m skeptical, seeing as Star Wars only had six films despite having well over 100 books written regarding the intergalactic space saga. I don’t remember seeing “Star Wars: Episode 63 – A New New New Hope Again” – do you?
Well, time to “watch” the first Potter book! Maybe after that I’ll watch the author’s seminal work. I hear Matthew McConaughey is great as Holden Caulfield.
“I’m the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It’s awful. If I’m on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I’m going, I’m liable to say I’m going to the opera. It’s terrible.”
“Alright, alright…”
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