It’s been awhile (both for a post and for one of these fine tools to help you better “eventualize”), and I can really only blame myself…for continuing to take Eventualism to new heights. Well, that – and Twitter.
It’s become apparent that Twitter has taken over the world, 140 characters at a time. The brevity of each entry is perhaps the only thing that isn’t an eventual trait that this platform possesses. I’ve managed to circumvent even that drawback by posting links with my entries that are rather long-winded. The irony is that these tidbits are often called “small urls” or “bit lies” or something like that. They’re really not all that “bitty” or “tiny” or something like that. In fact, if you EffTD well enough, you can find an article that is less like an “itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini” and more like a giant muumuu – and perhaps just as airy.
Beyond that, everything about Twitter is eventual in nature. Here are some prime examples, in that I’m going to end the list with a prime number:
1. The Follow Factor
Forget Facebook fans. I’ll take fresh-faced followers any day of the week – especially on Friday, where I seem to gain the majority of them. Followers are so much more “apostlistic” or “disciplinarian” than fans – if Jesus was around today he’d have trumped his 12 ten times over with ease. The race to get as many followers as possible has several paths you can take, but much like a typical “Choose Your Own Adventure” book, can last as long as you’d like provided you never actually followed the instructions given in said books.
It’s also a much nicer way of saying “stalker.”
2. Social No Morés
With all of these new followers (or “twits”, as they prefer to be called) who wait upon your every proclamation – be it brushing your teeth or taking a break from brushing your teeth – you can now rest assured that you’ll be spending more time virtually socializing than you will actually socializing. And with all of these fast friends that you’ve acquired based solely on your occasional inspired piece of wit or simply reaching out to those whose lives or just that much more banal than yours, you’re sure to have less actual friends to hang out with. While you’ll be accused of becoming disconnected, you’ll really be more connected than ever before – and it will be an eventual connection – kind of like dial-up.
The removal of “flesh and blood” friends will allow you to spend so much time with your followers that you will be viewed as not only a twit amongst the Twittersphere, but a twit in the “Actuasphere” as well.
3. Mr. Williams
The origin of the name of the service’s co-founder lends itself to my ideology perfectly.
EVENTUALISM
Event = an event, often what twits promote either for fundraising purposes or to congregate to remind themselves what having friends felt like at some time pre-Twitter.
Even = What a Twit rails against, as they want more followers than people they’re following. In addition, the number of characters you can use is an even number.
Eve = The time of day Twitter goes dark. Except for suicidal people, fake stoned celebrities and real stoned celebrities.
Ev = Mr. Williams.
I rest my case.*
So, all Eventualists and EffTDers need to be “pontwitficating” on a regular basis. Doing so will ensure you end up doing so on a perpetual basis. And there’s very little that’s more eventual than that.
*BONUS ORIGIN COROLLOARY: E = What you’ll feel like you’re on if you immerse yourself in the stream of “tweets” you get once you have both a strong following and follower base. Drink plenty of water, EffTDers.
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