As summer draws to a close, I felt the need for a much-needed vacation.  Like so many others, His Majesty Colbert included, the end of August practically begs for you to take a sabbatical from the day to day and simply “chillax.”  Trusting that you, my newly-indoctrined readers, had little sense to take a breather from my teachings and proclamations and teachings, I forced you to take the time off.  You’re welcome, as usual

I’m not going to bore you with a “What I Did Over My Summer Vacation” essay here, although the timing would be right.  I’ll refrain mainly because I spent much of it drunk and can’t recall much and also because I’m not sure if I used the word refrain in its correct context.  By the way, remind me to ask Xerxes what the word context means.

Now most of you have Labour Day off – it’s a time-honoured tradition that has been passed down through the ages…or at least for as long has time has been honoured.  However, I challenge you to ensure that next year you follow through on the true meaning of this day and…work.

The term “labour” is derived from the scientific word “lab” – which is short for “laboratory.”  A laboratory is a place where science takes place, except in Britain where it also where you go when you have to go to the washroom.  Even then, biology still applies, with a little physics in there as well in the UK version of the chamber.  The spelling of the word in traditional English contains the “u” as well, which is to mean that “you” must work on this day.  In America, that vowel isn’t in the word, meaning that everyone gets the day off.  Everywhere else, “you” must work.  That being said, I’m constantly amazed at the amount of businesses closed and lack of staffing there is on this day that so clearly means “a day you work.”

Of course, I don’t work on Labour Day because I’m “me” and not “you.”  As a failsafe, when someone points out to me that I am “you” to them, I simply say that I’m American.

Since this is the last long weekend of the summer (mainly due to hangovers and a lack of understanding on what the day really means), many people try to squeeze in some last minute vacation time or yard work.  I do the former, because I generally get one of “you” to do the latter.  Incidentally, the latter often requires a ladder since I have planters on window sills that are otherwise out of reach.

Eventualism also takes this day off.  I know this because I invented the ideology and yet the day still passes by far too quickly for it to be eventual.

This is also why this article is dated for the day afterward.